Halfway to 50!

Twenty somethings unite!

Hey Jiggly Butt! April 29, 2011


We never grew up with a scale in our house.  Nobody was overweight or even worried about weight, so there was no reason to have such a judgemental tool lying on the bathroom floor.

This is why I was shocked at Easter when I went to my parents house and found one, lit up and glaring at me.

My brother, being as surprised as I was, decided it would be fun if everyone would weigh-in to determine their “pre-Easter meal” weight.  Then on Sunday (well you know what’s coming) after stuffing our faces with mounds of food, we’d all weigh in again to see what we’d gained.  Being a rather tall, gangly bunch, this wasn’t offensive to anyone and we decided it would be a fun family activity.  I mean, what better way to celebrate Jesus’ rise from the tomb than with a weigh-in?

Here’s where it went from funny to pathetic.  I got on the scale and wrinkled my forehead.  Huh?  I’ve been the same weight for years and was surprised to see that number change.  I got off and back on again.  Dammit.  An electronic scale doesn’t lie.  I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror.  I wiggled my arms.  No flapping skin.  I turned to the side.  No protruding stomach.  I turned around and craned by neck to see the back of my legs.  No chubby legs.  Hmmmm.  I turned to the front and laughed at my own funny thought.  No, those few pounds were not added to my chest… I couldn’t be that lucky!  Oh well, I’ve been lifting a lot of weights over the past year so maybe it’s the added muscle.  I went about my business, enjoyed Easter, and didn’t think twice about those new pounds… until Thursday.

I was bent over digging through a filing cabinet in my classroom.  My students were busily working (most of them) when I felt a tap on my butt.  My eyes bugged out of my head and my heart dropped.  Oh my gosh.  My butt just jigged like crazy.  It was like a rock was thrown into a pond causing ripples to form.  I slowly turned around to tend to the student who needed me and quietly sat down in my chair.  I found the location of those new pounds.  My ass.  How can this be?  I’ve been lifting weights and running regularly!!  I don’t deserve this!  (Ok, maybe an exaggeration of my reaction, but I was pretty pissed.)

As I sat chewing my pizza last night, I discussed my ass with my hubbie.  He laughed as I went on and on about my jiggly butt that was poked by a student.  Determined to convince him that my butt had indeed grown, I stood up, bent over, and patted my own ass to show him how it reacted.  (Looking back, I don’t understand why I went to this extreme, but the point got across.) 

The morale of this story?  Owning a scale is stupid.  Weight is just a number.  Be sure you add some butt lifts to your daily workout.  Cheers to all 20 something asses that creep up and say “boo” when you least expect it!

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Help! My Classroom is Haunted! April 20, 2011


Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!

Today I had the crap scared out of me at school- and it wasn’t because of the kids.  I’m so freaked out that I’m not sure how I’ll sleep tonight.  Let me explain…

I was rushing out of my classroom to get to my Zumba class.  I threw my school bag, gym bag, purse, and lunch box around my shoulders and hurried out.  I locked the door and spun around to find a woman looking at me funny in the hallway.  She was older with long white hair.  I hadn’t seen her around school before so I asked if she needed anything.  She continued to stare at me and pointed to my classroom door.

Woman: Do you teach in that room?

Me: Yes.

Woman: Have you ever been in there when it’s dark?

Me: Ummmm (super confused) not usually.  When the kids are in there we work with the lights on.  I guess during rest time I turn the lights off.

Woman: Oh, okay.

She turned around and began to walk away.   Intrigued and confused I had to stop her and continue the conversation.

Me: Why?  What’s the problem?

Woman: Well, I’m a custodian in the school here and I’ve noticed some strange things in that classroom at night.

(This is where I began to raise my eyebrows.  I knew the custodians in my building, pretty well actually.  They’ve saved me when my students have peed, vomited, and even pooped on my carpet.  That’s a whole other blog post though.  Why had I never seen her before?)

Me: What do you mean strange things?  (I laughed a little while saying this because another co-worker had joined the conversation and we exchanged glances that said, “This woman is crazy.”)

Woman: Well at night, when I come in to clean, I hear voices.  More than once I’ve heard people have conversations in here.  There’s nobody else in the building but me.  The parking lot is empty when I get here.

Me: Really??  That’s weird.  (Again, I said this while laughing a little.  This time, I was a little freaked out and thought that by laughing I’d appear calm.)

Woman: Yes.  I also get the feeling that someone is watching me when I’m in there.  I always look over my shoulder.

Me: Uhhhh that’s scary.  (Not laughing anymore, because now I’m officially freaked out.)

Woman: It’s so scary to me, that I’ve gotten my shift switched.  I work between 2 schools and I make sure to get to your classroom before it’s dark.  No other classrooms make me feel like that.  But yours… yours is haunted. 

Me: That’s interesting to hear you say that.  I’ve heard the automatic toilets flush in our bathroom after school hours, but I thought it was just a faulty toilet.

Woman: I’d keep an eye out for those things. 

Me: Ok, well, now that you’ve scared the crap out of me, I have to get going.  (By this time I had chills because of this woman’s claims.)

I stepped outside with my co-worker and we talked about what had just happened.  The weirdest thing about this whole thing is that I had never seen this woman at school before.  I work at school a few hours after the kids leave almost every day to get organized and tidy up.  The custodians and I usually see each other during those hours.  How had I never seen this woman before?

As I drove to Zumba, all I could think about was talking to our main custodian in the morning.  I pictured myself approaching her and telling her about what the woman had said to me today.  What if she says, “There’s no other custodians.  I don’t know who you are talking about.”  Maybe the woman who talked to me was a ghost!  I pictured my kids coming up to me tomorrow saying, “Sally won’t give me my book back.”  I’d reply with, “There’s no Sally in our class.”  The kids would say, “Yes there is.  She’s in the corner.”  Another ghost! 

Ahhhh!  Now I’m terrified of my classroom!  Have you had an encounter with a ghost?  How did you deal with it?

 

Growing up, one night at a time… April 12, 2011


I was being pulled through the city by my husband.  “Come on!” he said.  I picked up my speed from a quick walk to a light jog.  “Um, I’m in a dress and heels,” I reminded him.  I tried to look calm and collected as I breezed past onlookers in my half sprint down the sidewalk.  After a few minutes, we finally arrived to our destination.  Whew!  We made it before 7:00 and that means no cover charge!  Winning!  I flipped out my ID and began walking into the piano bar.  “Hold on,” called the bouncer (is that what you call the guy who checks ID’s?)  He grabbed my wrist and stamped me.  Ugh.  I haven’t had a bar stamp in years.  It totally didn’t go with my outfit.  We strolled into the joint with our friends and immediately noticed there was no seating left.  Ok. so we’ll be standing.  We watched the stage as both a bachelorette and her future husband suffered public humiliation.  I believe at one point the man was told to “motor boat” his fiancée’s boobs and he did.  Forgive me for being a crabby pants, I had nothing to drink at that point.  It’s amazing how things aren’t as funny when it’s 7:00. 

We stood around for about an hour, sipping on drinks and trying to catch up with each other over the noise of the pianos.  I began to get a stomach ache.  Standing against a wall, in heels, sweating, was not the way I thought the night would be.  A few friends left and called to say that the brewery a few blocks away had seating and amazing appetizers.  We gulped our drinks and headed out.  Ahhhh, fresh air! 

We stepped into the brewery, pulled up chairs around a big table full of friends, ordered a plate of nachos, and I sighed.  “This is so much better.  We can actually hear each other and give our ankles a rest,” I proclaimed.  Then I gasped and covered my mouth as everyone stared at me.  “Oh my God.  That statement made me sound so old!”  We laughed and all agreed that this was indeed the better way to spend the evening.  We were visiting friends in the big city for the weekend and truly enjoyed catching up over greasy food and strong beverages.  Around 11:30 we headed back to the hotel and called it a night.

It happened.  Again.  Just another night of being pulled further from 20 and closer to 30.  And you know what?  My feet, kidneys, and ears are thanking me 🙂

When did you notice yourself growing up?  How did you feel about it?